


Selfish

by orphan_account



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Angst without resolve, F/M, Suicide, Unhappy Ending, Unrequited Love, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-02
Updated: 2017-05-02
Packaged: 2018-10-26 21:22:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10794999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "I love you, but you're in love with someone else and I'd die before I ruined your happiness."





	Selfish

**Author's Note:**

> hey this is betad and really sad and I have no excuse for this. this was vent work that i did because of my current manic episode. please enjoy this as much as you can enjoy something sad, but this won't receive any spinoffs. it's sad and exists only to let me vent.

Selfish. Selfish selfish  _ selfish _ , that’s all he was. A selfish little boy who entertained himself with heavenly fantasies in the dead of night. Dreams of his wicked, sinful hands being blessed with the opportunity to card through auburn locks. He swings her from side to side, wrapped tightly in her embrace, as their feet move off-beat to the music that he can’t hear. Her smile is enchanting, her eyes captivating, and as the selfish man he is, Saeyoung has no qualms ripping this angel from her heavenly perch.

 

He would watch her, envisioning the day he would be the one with her heart in his palm, his face on her mind. He selfishly wished that she would love him more than anything, just as he had for her. What he wouldn’t give to have her for his own, even selling his soul to eternal damnation to have her for one night.

 

Oh, God above help him. He was so selfish, so envious, and so so unwilling to change. He just refused to give up the love he harbored for her, no matter how it remained unrequited. He would watch, just as he did currently, as she swayed from side to side in Zen’s arms and imagine that it were him holding her. He watched her gown sweep the ballroom, her honey colored eyes gazing with such love and longing at the actor, her laugh echoing throughout the reception hall. Somewhere, in the rational part of his mind, he realizes how twisted he is. How this is the very reason he’s undeserving of his love.

 

It seemed surreal that the first time he genuinely felt guilt when pining over her was months ago, when she asked him to escort her down the aisle. He remembers how nervous she looked, clamoring on about how she really wasn’t close with her parents, and how if he didn’t want to he didn’t need to. He was her best friend, she’d said through her jumbled excuses, and she desperately wanted him at her side on the biggest day in her life so far. It was then he was hit with an overwhelming wave of guilt; she looked to him as her best friend for support in the most important relationship in her life, while he sullenly wished that relationship had been with him. He had to swallow back a bitter taste this left, force the brightest smile he could muster, and guaranteed that he would do anything in the world to keep her happy.

 

Maybe that started a poor cycle for him. He realized then that, no matter how selfish of a man he was, no matter how many nights he longed for her in his arms, no matter how badly he wished he could be the object of her affection, he wanted her happiness above all else. If that meant she spend her life with Zen, he would support her every step of the way. He was there when choosing the gowns and tuxedos, he was there when they picked colors and themes, he was there to help choose music and decor, he was there to pick out cakes and catering. He was there for her when she panicked, coming to his bunker in the dead of night saying she wasn’t sure she wanted to go through with a wedding after all.

 

_ “What if I don’t really love him? What if it’s just a passing fling, Luciel? What if- god, what if I’m just a fling or a phase? What if he never truly loved me? Luciel, what do I do?? I don’t think I can marry him!” _

 

And, as though it had been a test of his character and strength, he was there to reassure her and her relationship.

 

_ “I promise- Hey, hey! Listen, just for a second- I promise you that you love him more than anything, and he returns that love in full to you. I’ve never once seen someone so enamoured with anyone as I’ve seen Zen for you. When you guys are together, it’s like time stops and the world around you becomes a blur of white noise. This is how I can guarantee that, no matter what, he will love you, and you him.” _

 

He was a selfish, selfish man, to continue to pine for her even after this realization. He’d hoped, selfishly of course, that he was redeemable in the sense that he would never act on his desire. He loved her too much to ever cause her any hurt or unhappiness. But this, in and of itself was a selfish desire as well.

 

“Oh, Luciel!” A voice called to him, sweeter than an angel beckoning him to his afterlife paradise. He glanced up to find the happy bride holding her hand out to him, her grin stretching across her face and her pale skin dusted beautifully with a flustered red. “Come dance with me, it’s your turn!” She didn’t wait for his reaction, she pulled him in an excited rush to the dance floor, watching as the other patrons cleared out. Saeyong realized that this was the mock father-daughter dance, though his heart continued to pound in his chest at the thought of her being his, just in the moment.

 

The song was slow and she rested her head on his shoulder as the two began to sway to the slow rhythm. He wanted to block out all he knew was around him and simply enjoy the moment, imagining that for once, she was his and his alone. While they spun and swayed, he imagined what it would be like for her to gaze at him like he were her moon and stars. But the dream was broken as she began to whisper into his shoulder, muffled by both music and fabric. He had to concentrate carefully, finally picking up on her sugared voice.

 

“... I just want to thank you so much, for everything you’ve done for me… It’s because of you that today became the most amazing day of my life… You’re my best friend, like a brother to me, and I’m so grateful for everything you’ve done for me…”

 

He felt his heart shatter into pieces as she reiterated that he would never be closer to her, but despite this, he smiled widely. He hugged her closer to his being, stopping in the middle of the floor and taking a moment to blink back his anguished tears. “I wouldn’t want anything less for you, I’d gladly give anything to see you this happy again.” He took a moment to pause, pulling away from her to lean his forehead against hers. “You’re my best friend, I would do anything for you, you know?” His tears fall onto his cheeks slowly, and he watches the look of shock, but then gratitude that takes over her expression.

 

“Oh- Luciel, what could I have done to deserve a friend like you?” She whispers,  her voice cracking as tears begin to track onto her cheeks as well. He smiles wider, his heart fractures further, but he realizes his crying has become less anguished. He’s genuinely happy for her, and these are tears of joy along with pain. A sweet sorrow, something he could selfishly endure as he enjoyed her happiness with her.

 

“You deserve the best by being yourself, don’t question that,” His voice breaks as he says this, but he smiles till his cheeks are pained and takes a step back. “Your husband is waiting for you, and I think nothing would make him happier than to finish this dance with you.”

 

He thinks that maybe, this is the most unselfish thing he’s done all night. It’s almost as if the dance is a metaphor; he is finally taking a step away from his uninterrupted daydream of a life with her and relinquishes this to Zen, to let him take hold of their future and make her happier than Saeyoung could have ever hoped. He leads her off the floor, his hand in hers- though it’s more painful than he’d ever imagined- and stops in front of Zen. He watches as the actor’s eyes never leave hers, as his hand is quick to encase hers and his arm wrap her in a tight embrace. He’s a selfish man, he doesn’t want to let go, but for the sake of her happiness he smiles and steps away, back to his seat with his slice of cake.

 

He watches as the two dance and for once, he doesn’t imagine himself in that position. He doesn’t belong there, he never had. He was ashamed of himself for waiting until her wedding day to realize it, truly saying something about his character. But his love for her would never be worth more than her happiness, and he’d die to protect that for her.

 

Maybe after he stopped longing for something he didn’t deserve, the wedding moved along faster. It was a blur of faces, happy wishes, and before he knew it, he was leaving alongside Jumin Han as the corporate heir had celebrated slightly too hard. He wished the bride and groom well, of course, hugging both and telling them not to have too much fun tonight. She grew flustered and Zen laughed loudly, promising to keep Saeyoung informed on their night as the redhead left with his dark haired friend.

 

Saeyoung was thankful that he’d rode with Jumin to the wedding, as he didn’t have to worry about escorting himself home. Instead, he sat in the back of the limousine with the drunken heir as they began their long journey through the ever breathing city. The hacker focused on the lights that passed in blurs, trying to numb himself to the pain that was breaking away at his being.

 

“You were obvious, you know,” Came the slurred words of his compainion. Saeyong paused for a moment, blinking through his confusion to glance to Jumin. Before he could ask, the heir clarified. “You’re still in love with her.”

 

Saeyong wanted to gape at him, act as though he were surprised and betrayed that someone knew. But he couldn’t find it in him to lie, he didn’t have the energy. He only nodded, glancing away once more. “Yeah, yeah I know. I’ve always loved her, more than anything, and it’s been obvious since day one.”   
  


“Well, why do you continue to love her? Why haven’t you given in? She’s obviously in love with Zen, as awful as it may be.” His words were broken with a hiccup, and he slurred as though he hadn’t spoken in a while. But he spoke the truth, a painful truth that Saeyoung was intensely aware of.

 

“It’s not that easy. I… I can’t imagine my life without her, and the only way I could stop loving her is if I stay separate from her,” He admit, twiddling his hands shamefully. “I don’t want to say goodbye to her, even if it means I hurt when I see her.”

 

“Luciel, do you understand how incredibly selfish you sound?” Jumin bit, causing Saeyoung to bite his lip. “This hurts her as much as it hurts you. Just give her up, please, for the sake of everyone and move on.”

 

The redhead knew that Jumin was a bitter drunk, that he didn’t mean what he said to the hacker. But it echoed what the darkest parts of his mind cried, and reaffirming out loud how selfish he was, Saeyoung realized he had to act. His affections continued to put her in a position of discomfort and it broke his heart to hear how he was responsible.

 

So when Driver Kim reached his home, he stepped out after a quick goodbye to Jumin. He thanked the driver and returned to his home, unlocking the door with ease. Any other night, he’d shower and return to his bed to dream of a life that would never be his, but those slurred words seemed to stop him in his tracks. He instead fell into his computer chair and watched as the time ticked away on the LCD screen, counting the seconds as they passed. He realized that tonight may very well be the epitome of his suffering, when he realized how truly alone he felt. Maybe that was worsened by the realization that it was all self inflicted, and that he deserved every second of it. He thought, briefly, of how he was potentially causing her pain by being so unbearingly in love with her. He thought of how he inconvenienced Zen, one of his closest friends, by falling in love with his wife. He thought fleetingly of what his life had been up until now, and how he’d failed time and time again to provide happiness for the people who meant the most to him. First Saeran, who was somewhere far from him to be certain he was happy and safe. Next had been V, who couldn’t seem to be bothered by Saeyoung, especially as of late. Finally, he realized he’d failed her by being unable to become the one thing she wanted- no needed- of him.

 

Saeyoung was used to feeling his thoughts spiral, block out his rationality. But, this time he couldn’t find anything to ground him. There was nothing that really mattered at the moment besides her happiness, and what he could do to protect it.

 

With that in mind, and shaking fingers, he managed to type out his thoughts, his promises, his wishes. It was scary, truly, how clear his mind was. His body shook with adrenaline, and his teeth sunk into his lower lip to keep himself focused. By the time he finished, his letter felt like an autobiography and it was nearing dawn. He was nowhere calmer than he was when he’d begun typing, so he continued with his plan. He created a chatroom, well aware no one would be awake to read this. Saeyoung was a selfish man, however, and wanted to be certain that when it was all over, at least he could be remembered for who he truly was. He sent his letter, addressed to the RFA and signed Saeyoung Choi, before signing out for a final time. His mind went blank as he continued on as a machine, performing the procedures that had been drilled into him over the years. He factory reset both his phone and his hard drives, clearing any sensitive content that may be found later on. With this done, he reordered his server that his security system ran on, making it possible for his trusted companions to enter his bunker- he was a selfish man, he didn’t want to be alone in the end.

 

With final breaths, he took his final steps, and spied his Plan B prescription provided to him by the agency, on the case he be captured by an enemy without a chance of rescue. He downed the bottle, a procedure he did with mechanical perfection. He was a selfish man in the very end, he wanted to ensure her happiness because until his very end he wanted her to be happy. He’d do anything if he felt that it would keep her that way.

 

__________

 

_ One by one, the RFA awoke to a chatroom they seemed to miss. Of course, it’d been late at night when the room was open, and after a long night they all were resting. _

 

_ It was Yoosung who’d seen the message first, his stomach plummeting. It was a sick joke, Seven made those all the time. Seven was a sadist, of course he’d lie about this. But after the four attempts to call the redhead with no answer, the reality became more apparent that this wasn’t a joke. _

 

_ His first thought was to call Jumin, the most mature person he knew. When the heir didn’t answer after two calls, Yoosung- who by now had frantic tears coursing down his face- tried desperately to call his secretary. _

 

_ Jaehee answered, having awoken fairly early to begin her errands for the corperate heir. “Yoosung, why are you-” _

 

_ “Jaehee!” Yoosung wailed, ignoring how exhausted she sounded. “Jaehee, please please tell me that the chat was a joke!!! Please tell me Seven is okay!!!” _

 

_ The secretary paused, putting her phone on speaker to read through the long letter she’d bypassed in favor of getting ready on time. She regret this now, and felt herself become sick. “Yoosung… I- have you called Luciel to talk to him?” _

 

_ “He won’t answer!!” The blond sobbed, his breath hitching with each intake. “I knew it wasn’t a joke!! I knew it!!” _

 

_ “I-” Jaehee felt her head swim, blinking down at the wall of text as she clung to the rationale necessary to process what was happening. “Yoosung, stay put and try to get a hold of Luciel still. The authorities won’t be able to do much, his home is locked down too tightly. I’ll get a hold of Mr. Han, and if you don’t get a hold of him before then, Mr. Han and I will come to get you so we can go confront him.” _

 

_ “Wh-what about Zen and MC?? Don’t you think they deserve to know?? He- he- Jaehee, they’ll be devestated if we keep this from them!!” _

 

_ “I know, I know, but- I just- It’s best if we let them find out on their own terms. Let them enjoy their time as long as they can. If… God, if it’s too late, they have more than enough time to come to terms.” With her curt explanation, she hung up and tried again and again to call the Jumin. Around her fifth call, she managed to get through to him, though he didn’t seem pleased to be awoken so early after his night. _

 

_ “Ms. Kang, can’t this-” _

 

_ “Mr. Han, I take that you haven’t seen the newest chat, but it appears Luciel has- he’s- I-” She swallows, feeling her composure fall. Tears sting her eyes, but she bites them back and keeps her tone even. “Luciel has taken his life, Mr. Han, and this may very well not be a joke. Please read through the chatroom, then have Driver Kim escort you, Yoosung, and I to his home to see the truth.” _

 

_ There’s silence on the other end, before Jumin swears rather loudly and hangs up. His driver is there to pick her up in ten minutes, Yoosung in twenty, and they sit in the back seat in a miserable silence. Yoosung was still sniveling, using his pajama sleeve to wipe away his tears. Jaehee was a mess, her pristine suit stained with coffee she’d spilled in her panic. Jumin was clearly still feeling ill from the night before, but his eyes seemed to be searching for memories that had yet to resurface. _

 

_ They reached Saeyoung’s bunker within the next fifteen minutes, and they pushed to exit the limousine as quickly as they could. It was a sick joke, once they got to the door his sadistic voice would laugh through the speaker, teasing them for being gullible, and they would return home irritated but relieved. When they reached his fortress, however, the door opened upon recognition of the three. It let them in without a moment’s hesitation, and Yoosung began to wail again as he realized what this meant for them. _

 

_ It had only been a few hours, three at the most, since he’d fallen into a final rest. They found him in his dress clothes, his hair disheveled from the obvious way he’d torn it out before. He was cold to the touch, and all three were able to confirm that they were in fact too late, that he was gone and it wasn’t a cruel joke. _

 

_ Yoosung was hysterical in his inability to understand why Saeyoung could do something like this. Jaehee rushed to his unkempt bathroom, finally being sick as she’d felt pressured to this morning. Jumin did his best to remain calm and distant, calling the paramedics and informing them of all he knew. They would be there to retrieve the body. _

 

_ V would be informed next, over the phone by Jumin. He would promise to return home immediately, but that was of no consolation. _

 

_ MC and Zen wouldn’t find out until later that day, nearing much closer to the afternoon when one would awaken. That one was MC, who had been checking her phone quietly as to not wake Zen from his peaceful slumber. However kind the gesture may have been, it proved pointless as she woke him with a shriek in the next few moments. In his panic, he attempted to calm her, barely awake and aware of the situation until her shaking voice began to read what was written before her. _

 

_ “Dear RFA members, or, well, I guess my family. I mean, you guys are the closest I’ve ever had to a functioning family. I’m writing this as a goodbye! I wish I could write you all a personalized goodbye, but I don’t think I have the heart to write more than one depressing letter. So here this is, the summary to an end all, and it’s selfish but I ask you to read this all for me. _

 

_ “My real name is Saeyoung Choi, born with my better half, my brother Saeran, in a terrible home. I never knew my father, and my mother was nothing but an alcoholic. Suffice to say we didn’t have a happy childhood, and I wanted nothing more than to let my brother see the sun he craved. When I was fifteen, I met V and Rika, who changed my name to Luciel helped Saeran escape, at the cost of us being separated. V, when you read this, please let Saeran know I loved him till the end, and I’m sorry to abandon him like this. _

 

_ “Anyways. I was sent to university, and from there the agency I’ve worked for, changing my entire being into agent 707. You all know this part, though. That I was under the constant threat of death, and really my actions now are just a quicker version of what was inevitable. _

 

_ “With my story, as boring as it was, out of the way, I’d like to say my goodbyes. Yoosung, you were one of my closest friends, and I’ll never be able to explain to you what those times meant to me, having you here just so I wasn’t alone. Even if the feeling is unrequited, I still greatly appreciate all that you’ve done for me, and I couldn’t ask for a better friend. _

 

_ “Jumin, I know that I continuously got on your nerves, and I bet more often than not that irritation was genuine. But I want you to know, I still considered you a close friend of mine. I knew that, when it came down to it, I could rely on you regardless, and that means so much to me. Even through your cold exterior, I know to expect a warm friend I can rely on. Tell Eli that I’ll miss you both a lot~! _

 

_ “Jaehee, you’re such a wonderful person and whether or not you considered us friends be thrown out the window. I cherished whatever we had, and I looked up to you as a diligent person. You’re so kind and I wish I’d taken the chance to get to know you better, even to your dismay. _

 

_ “Zen, you’re the most talented man I’ve met, and regardless of your fame, you’re so genuine. I know I tease you and take credit for where you are now, but that was truly all you. It was you who reached the soaring heights, and you deserve every moment of it. You’ve been through so much, but seeing how happy you can be now, I’m glad I was apart of those better days, even for a while. _

 

_ “MC, I’m sorry you were final but, I have a lot to say here, so it seemed better fitted for last. You’re the most caring woman I’ve ever met, you’re an indescribable wonderful that I wish I had the talent to explain in words. Your friendship with me was the most important thing in my life, and I’m overjoyed now that I can see you finally be as happy as you make everyone around you. You’re the most amazing person I’ve met, and I want to let you know that I am finally giving up my selfish tendencies, and letting you be happy with Zen. I’m sorry for ever holding you back with my selfish affections, and though I can’t ask your forgiveness, I can ask that you be happy. That you forget this entirely, and live a happy life with your husband, raising the wonderful family you deserve. _

 

_ “I… Guess that leaves us with the reason why. And, well, I’ve decided that my existence, whether it be 707, Luciel, or Saeyoung, causes too much turmoil. That no one, not even myself, can truly be happy as I sit here and waste energy. I’m sorry if this upset you, It was intended to be the greater good. _

 

_ “With that, I say goodbye to you all. I love you all so much, please be happy for me. Signing out once, and for all, Saeyoung Choi.” _

 

_ By the end of the letter, MC was hysterical. She’d cast her phone aside and wrapped herself in Zen’s arms, sobbing openly against his chest. Zen remained in a shocked silence, unable to move for what felt like hours. Finally, he contacted the last person he’d wanted to speak with, and their fears were solidified. _

  
_ Luciel Choi, born Saeyoung, had died that previous night at a grueling four in the morning from a fast acting poison, available to him only because of his career. He’d died in his home, alone, only to be discovered at seven thirty-five, by Jaehee Kang, Jumin Han, and Yoosung Kim. His funeral would be held a week after his death, causing the newly-weds to postpone their honeymoon- though, asking the, they would agree that they weren’t much in a mood for a vacation. _


End file.
